The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Read online

  Secretary of Defense:

  Nova Police? What’s that, a rock band?

  8:37 P.M.—New Jersey joins Professor Hikita at the microscope to look at a sample of Lectroid tissue taken from John Parker’s “fingernail.” Without the antidote synthesized by the professor, the sample appears to be human flesh. One whiff of the antidote, however, and the sample is seen as it really is . . . a dark wine-colored scaly material. Though the exact mechanism of the camouflage ability is unclear, the principle is not. True to B. Banzai’s revolutionary theory of consciousness as a force transmitted by subatomic particles, the Lectroid tissue disguises itself by speeding the emission of consciousness particles, akin to speeding up a movie to the point where it is no longer visible except as an indistinct object. The human imagination does the rest, connecting the dots, as it were.

  New Jersey:

  You mean the brain of the observer sees an indistinct human form—? A piece of clay?

  Professor Hikita:

  Yes, on the subconscious level. An interesting experiment would be to try hypnosis on the observer.

  New Jersey:

  I doubt it’s that simple. Otherwise, why not just hypnotize all of us instead of using the antidote?

  Professor Hikita:

  Not everyone is equally susceptible to hypnosis, and what the antidote does is amazingly simple and effective. It increases the speed of neurons within the brain, allowing us to see the creatures in sync.

  New Jersey:

  You mean like speeding up the turntable from 33½ to 45?

  Professor Hikita:

  Yes. As the neurons of the reticular activating system carry the visual information faster, the images come into focus. You see, their camouflage works because we are all under the deception that we possess sensory continuity. But that is simply not the case, given that the firing of neurons within the brain is of a finite order—like frames of celluloid moving through a projector, giving the impression of uninterrupted viewing. The trick is, we cannot see the “gaps” in our vision any more than we can see the gaps between frames on the celluloid. The brain simply knits itself over these time gaps to give itself the illusion of continuity.

  New Jersey:

  Like it knits faces and human characteristics on the Lectroids—

  Professor Hikita:

  Yes—

  New Jersey:

  But, that means—

  Professor Hikita:

  Yes—?

  New Jersey:

  If our minds invent their faces, kind of like potato heads, none of them ever looks the same to more than one person.

  Professor Hikita:

  Right. All the people in a room would see the creature differently. In fact, if you met him yourself on separate occasions and did not know in advance who it was, you would likely see him as a totally different individual.

  New Jersey:

  But if I knew in advance . . .

  Professor Hikita:

  Then your mind would remember him. He would look the same, depending on how good your memory is.

  New Jersey:

  But he would never age.

  Professor Hikita:

  I think you’re onto something, New Jersey.

  New Jersey:

  That would explain how John Bigbooté could have run Yoyodyne since the late 1930s—nearly fifty years—and still look like a man in his forties. Isn’t that right, Reno?

  Reno:

  I would say early forties. They all looked to be in their early forties.

  Professor Hikita:

  Funny. To me they appeared to be in their seventies, like me.

  New Jersey:

  How strange!

  8:40 P.M.—The conversation with the President continues. The Secretary of Defense leaves the room to call John Bigbooté of Yoyodyne.

  John Parker:

  Mr. President, I have delivered a message from my own leader John Emdall, who has made it clear that unless John Whorfin is destroyed, she intends to fire an over-the-horizon particle beam weapon from your airspace at the Soviet Union, incinerating one of its cities and provoking them to attack.

  The President:

  My God, that’s an outrage! You can’t be serious. Who is this person—? John—?

  Buckaroo Banzai:

  John Emdall, Mr. President. I believe she is quite serious. Her ship is at this moment—

  Big Norse:

  Four hundred—

  Buckaroo Banzai:

  Four hundred miles and closing. You may have heard of the atmospheric disturbances we’re experiencing.

  The President:

  Yes, we’ve been having . . . (unintelligible) . . . trouble with the Hot Line.

  Buckaroo Banzai:

  I’ll see what I can do, Mr. President. I have a call into her now. But it may be too late for the Hot Line.

  The President:

  Too late for the Hot Line? Oh, my . . . (unintelligible) . . . I don’t know what to say, Buckaroo. I’m flabbergasted. I mean, you and I go back a long way. You’re my personal physician, but . . . (unintelligible) . . . aliens from some Planet 10, nuclear extortion, a girl named John—

  8:42 P.M.—The Secretary of Defense returns to the room.

  Secretary of Defense:

  Buckaroo, I couldn’t reach John Bigbooté at Yoyodyne. Some other guy answered.

  Buckaroo Banzai:

  John Whorfin?

  Secretary of Defense:

  How did you know? I admit something’s funny over there. You say you’re on your way there right now?

  Buckaroo Banzai:

  Right, Mr. Secretary.

  Secretary of Defense:

  Maybe I should meet you. We could go in together. You might need my clout to get in.

  Buckaroo Banzai:

  It’s not exactly a social call, Mr. Secretary.

  Secretary of Defense:

  Well, be that as it may . . . (unintelligible) . . .

  The President:

  Yes, I think that’s a good idea. The United States Government has a lot riding on that place.

  Buckaroo Banzai:

  Unless they are stopped, Mr. President, there won’t be a United States.

  Secretary of Defense:

  Fine, then. Have your aide give my aide the coordinates, and I’ll be there by chopper within the hour.

  Buckaroo Banzai:

  We may not have an hour, Mr. President.

  The President:

  Well . . . (unintelligible) . . .

  Secretary of Defense:

  By the way, Buckaroo, where is the Jet Car?

  Buckaroo Banzai:

  It’s with us. It’s safe.

  The President:

  Yes, I think that’s the best plan. You two meet and go in together. Maybe there’s a logical explanation for all this. At any rate, they, owe us an explanation why that bomber is so damn far behind schedule. The GSA is supposed to be looking into it—

  Buckaroo Banzai:

  Well, you’re the Commander in Chief, Mr. President.

  The President:

  That’s right, (to an aide) Get me SAC HQ and NORAD. See what there is to this atmospherics stuff . . . (unintelligible) . . . okay, Buckaroo?

  8:44 P.M.—Communication is established with the Nova Police father ship. John Emdall is unavailable, but John Parker speaks with John Penworthy, Commander of the Fleet. Parker apprises him of the situation, at which point Buckaroo Banzai breaks off communication with the President and informs John Penworthy that the Lectroids have managed to obtain the OVERTHRUSTER but that it should take them some time to program it and that, in the interim, we are going into Yoyodyne after them. John Penworthy is noncommittal; says he must consult John Emdall. We wait.

  8:46 P.M.—A phone call from someone identifying himself as Dr. Lizardo via the Institute. Buckaroo Banzai accepts the call and the charges.

  “Dr. Lizardo”:

  Well, well . . . (unintelligible) . . . Dr. Banzai?

  Buckaroo Ba
nzai:

  Speaking.

  “Dr. Lizardo”:

  Dr. Lizardo here. Perhaps you don’t remember me?

  Buckaroo Banzai:

  Of course I do. Professor Hikita speaks of you often.

  “Dr. Lizardo”:

  Fond memories, I’m sure. We know the same people, don’t we?

  Buckaroo Banzai:

  Some of them.

  “Dr. Lizardo”:

  One of them has just arrived here in fact. Dr. Penny Priddy, your associate.

  Buckaroo Banzai:

  Doctor—?

  “Dr. Lizardo”:

  Yes?

  Buckaroo Banzai:

  No, I meant—never mind. How is she?

  “Dr. Lizardo”:

  Fine . . . for the moment. She claims to know nothing about the Overthruster circuitry which I need in order to get away for awhile.

  Buckaroo Banzai:

  She’s telling the truth. She knows nothing.

  “Dr. Lizardo”:

  Perhaps if you asked her to tell me.

  Penny Priddy:

  I’m not worth it, Buckaroo! Forget me! Don’t try to come after me!

  Buckaroo Banzai:

  What makes you think I’m coming after you?

  (Penny Priddy screams horribly.)

  “Dr. Lizardo”:

  That’s an excellent idea, Dr. Banzai. Shall we say “A Penny for your thoughts”? You can come in her place, alone, with the Overthruster?

  (Buckaroo allows a sigh of relief. At least the Lectroids have not found the OVERTHRUSTER in Penny’s purse.)

  Buckaroo Banzai:

  Where are you, Lizardo?

  “Dr. Lizardo”:

  Have you ever heard of a company called Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems?

  Buckaroo Banzai:

  It sounds familiar.

  “Dr. Lizardo”:

  That’s where I am. (laughs, then to someone in the room) Bigboote, take her to the pit, find out what she knows.

  John Bigbooté:

  It’s Bigbooté.

  Penny Priddy:

  You’re Hanoi Xan! You killed my sister!

  “Dr. Lizardo”:

  I don’t know what you’re talking about. Take her, Bigboote.

  John Bigbooté:

  It’s Bigbooté.

  “Dr. Lizardo”:

  Shut up! I’ll have you put in the torture cradle with her! Come, Banzai—remember . . . alone; you and the Overthruster.

  9:00 P.M.—Buckaroo informs us he will drive the Jet Car on ahead of us to Yoyodyne. At least in that way he can learn exactly where things stand. There is still no further word from John Emdall or the father ship, causing us all to be quite jittery. In Buckaroo’s absence, I am to assume command of our attack. Details for our rendezvous with the Secretary of Defense are finalized. He is to meet us at the same point as Casper and Scooter Lindley and the Blue Blazes carrying the Yoyodyne blueprints. In effect, we’re on our own to succeed or fail. I have never felt such fear in my life. The fear is not of losing my life but of failure and its consequences. The pressure is all but debilitating.

  9:06 P.M.—The Jet Car is disengaged from the rear of the bus. Buckaroo exchanges words and hugs with us all, makes a final speech.

  Buckaroo Banzai:

  The antidote filters the professor has whipped up will let you see the creatures as I have since yesterday. The first time you see them they can be pretty intimidating—they’re not as handsome as John Parker.

  John Parker:

  Thank you, Buckaroo Banzai.

  Buckaroo Banzai:

  But there’s no time to be frightened. If we fail tonight, there’s no tomorrow. Remember, shoot for their throats and don’t offer them any exposed targets. My job will be to get the Overthruster before they can cause any problems for John Emdall. Reno and Perfect Tommy know what to do. You’re all aware of what happened to Rawhide, so listen to them. If for any reason this is good-bye . . .

  He doesn’t finish. We men and women who would follow him anywhere watch as his speech becomes halting with emotion and he gets in the Jet Car and drives away. John Parker, sensing our grim mood, begins to stamp and shout with an inhuman ferocity; now yelling, now whistling furiously with a piece of audacity that at first surprises and then thrills us, filling us with the deadly abandon we will need to combat the creatures.

  9:15 P.M.—We reach the rendezvous point. Casper and Scooter Lindley come aboard with aerial photographs of Yoyodyne. They are joined by a half dozen Blue Blazes who have brought the Yoyodyne blueprints and insist on joining in the attack. They have brought their own gear—a motley assortment of knives, pistols, and shotguns. I consult briefly with Tommy and, giving them antidote filters, welcome the group to our midst. Along with Casper in the chopper, they will serve as a diversionary threat while we launch the major attack. There is still no sign of the Secretary of Defense, so we wait.

  9:33 P.M.—Buckaroo radios that he is entering Yoyodyne through the main gate, under escort of the creatures. Then there is silence. We continue to wait for the Secretary, our patience wearing thin. Tommy and the others are anxious to press on with the attacks, I am just as anxious as they, but I cannot disobey Buckaroo’s orders, which are to wait for the Secretary of Defense until ten o’clock.

  9:50 P.M.—(Penny Priddy’s note*)—*(I have sought eyewitness testimony from as many sources as possible in the compilation of this record.) “I looked at my watch as the one they called Bigbooté prepared to put me in the ‘torture cradle,’ a strange open chest studded inside with long spikes, the entire contraption resting upon two curved ribs, like a rocking chair. Beneath the contraption was a small hollow in the floor where a fire could be lit. In fact, embers were kept constantly glowing. All that needed to be done was to add more coals. I was stripped and told to get into the ‘cradle.’ When I struggled, they placed me forcibly. I felt the awful spikes as they bound me tightly, the one called Bigbooté smiling. ‘Careful,’ he said. ‘The more you fight it, the more you rock the cradle, and the points will do their work. You see that groove down the center?’ There was a groove cut into the bottom of the chest. ‘It is for blood.’ I shivered and yet could not move a muscle without the spikes piercing my flesh. Then they closed the lid, more spikes coming down on top of me, their sharp points pressing into my skin in utter darkness. I felt claustrophobic and horrified. ‘Tell us about the Overthruster,’ one of them said. ‘What is the crucial missing circuit to overcome Goldshtik’s problem?’ When I said I hadn’t the faintest idea, I knew they would soon heat up the fire and begin to rock me. This was my introduction to the torture cradle of the Lectroids.”

  9:55 P.M.—Communication reestablished with the Nova Police father ship. It is within a hundred miles of Earth. John Parker tells them that Buckaroo Banzai has entered Yoyodyne alone and must at least be given a chance to succeed. Impressed by B. Banzai’s courage and his long-standing commitment to high principles, John Emdall through John Penworthy informs us that she plans no rash acts unless John Whorfin should attempt to escape. But there is a new danger: the Soviets. The worldwide atmospheric interference caused by the tremendous energy field surrounding the Nova Police ship or ships (Big Norse believes there to be three based on their intership communications—a father ship and a pair of fighter escorts) has played havoc with Soviet radar and defense capabilities (just as it has with our own); but the Soviets naturally are accusing us of being responsible. Matters are not helped by the hostile relations presently reigning between our two countries. How can we expect them to believe the truth, absurd as it must sound, about beings from outer space? I wonder if the President has even attempted to broach the subject to them. Perhaps they would think him a raving madman capable of anything—even a first nuclear strike—in which case they might decide to strike first! The mind boggles in the face of such endless permutations, and it cannot be our job to dwell upon them. The world, without its even knowing it, is looking to us for action; and action we shall give them, i
n a matter of a few minutes more.

  9:59 P.M.—As we prepare to leave without the Secretary of Defense, Big Norse calls me to the radio. Using sensitive listening phones in tandem with dozens of miniaturized microphones resembling Pepsi-Cola bottle caps dropped over Yoyodyne by Casper and Scooter Lindley, she has managed to pick up the following speech, apparently by John Whorfin to his minions:* *(Buckaroo confirmed later that he had been present at this speech, having been forced to stand beside Whorfin-as-Lizardo as he delivered this pep talk to his workers in the large secret hangar housing the Panther Ship. A detailed report of Buckaroo’s actions once inside Yoyodyne has been widely circulated by the popular media; hence I see no need to cover the same ground.)

  John Whorfin:

  You see, it’s Buckaroo Banzai! He is here to help us! You must work faster to finish the Panther ship, so we can enter the Eighth Dimension using the Overthruster Buckaroo Banzai is going to give us! Then we will free the rest of our comrades and return to our home!

  Home!

  (Cheers)

  Where are we going? Tell me!

  Lectroids:

  To Planet 10!